THE ADORER’S BLOGS (A Short Story, 4th of 7 Parts)
Grandma smiled and said, “He is a decent man! He did nothing wrong! I did not know about his feelings, about his predicaments, about the pains I caused him. He kept those to himself for a long time! When we talked personally or on the phone, or exchanged text messages, everything seemed normal! Okay, just read on…”
Read on I did. I passed by entries that vividly elucidated the man’s emotional struggles, the predicament that I hoped I would never be made to undergo.
That night I went to the riverbank where I would have my reflections every time I would be emotionally-burdened. Falling in love was supposed to be a wonderful feeling but why it has become an emotional struggle for me. It has brought me more sadness than joy.
No, the sadness was not a product of guilt for falling in love with another woman when I have already tied the knots with another one… for falling in love with someone so young. The moral purists may disagree, but falling in love is never wrong, falling in love per se is not a sin. The subsequent acts committed in pursuance of the feeling would determine its being sinful or otherwise.
Falling in love is a wonderful experience but the adorer’s seemingly hopeless struggle to shrug off the feeling was what prevented him from experiencing the joy of falling in love. He said that he tried so hard to suppress the emotion. But to no avail. The adorer admitted having his ways with women. He knew how to make women fall in love but he never tried any trick on my grandmother.
The adorer wished that he could circumvent the existing moral standards so he would not suffer from his moral dilemma or that he could have been born in a culture that would not give him such prohibitions.
I know I can love you but I can never have you. I can love you for nobody has the right to prevent me from feeling what I have felt for you. As hard as I did I could not restrain my heart from falling in love with you.
But I can never have you for obvious reasons. That I needed to accept wholeheartedly, my love for you is a love that was never meant to be.
It was also pride, not guilt, preventing me from experiencing the joy of falling in love. I found it so hard to accept that a young woman like you could put me on an emotional leash. But that also is a reality I have to accept. I gladly put in your hands that emotional leash. Make me happy, make me sad… Do as you wish!
Could this be my karma? I used to be the one who holds the handle of the emotional leash.
How deeply I sympathized with the man for all the emotional struggles he underwent because of his love for grandma. What could really be more painful than finally finding true love in the wrong place, at the wrong time and under wrong circumstances. What a crazy fate! This stuff I thought I would only read in stories.
In one blog entry, he mentioned how sad he became one night when he heard the song entitled “Please Don’t Ask Me.” I sympathized so deeply when he mentioned that the line in the song that hit him the hardest was… “It only hurts, the more I pretend, that we could ever, be more than friends…”
Several other blog entries dealt with how wholeheartedly my grandma’s adorer accepted the realities that confronted him – the reality that only a youngster like grandma then would drive him nuts – the reality that he can love my grandma but he can never have her – the reality that they could never be more than friends.
Then I noticed that sadness gradually disappeared in the landscape of Peeker’s next blogs as weeks passed after he met grandma.
There’s no point in denying that I have fallen in love with you. But it is also pointless to expect from you reciprocity. I could only dream, for anyone is free to dream, that you would love me in return. I could only wish, for there’s no limit to wishful thinking, that you should have come into my life at a time when I had no moral restrictions.
While I ceased uselessly thrusting aside my feelings for you, to God I fervently prayed (and I always pray for you) that may He keep my intentions for you pure. After that I began noticing the good things you have done for me, something that I did not see when I was trying to shrug off what I felt for you. It was only then that I realized how wonderful my life was turning into since you came into my life. You have served as a tremendous inspiration.
With you around, I began to view life positively again. With you around, I became more passionate and creative in my work.
I have promised never to let you know about how I really felt for you for I am afraid that you may no longer treat me the way you did and that even our friendship may be extinguished. But it was a risk that I have to take. I decided I must tell you, not because I wanted you to reciprocate, but I just want you to know, before I go and may never see you again, how endeared to me you have become.
“So, grandma, before that 3-month program ended, did he make the big revelation?” I asked.